My Imperfect Body

I have hated my body as long ago as I can remember. Thinking back to my early years, I remember being 11 and feeling embarrassed that my jean shorts were so tight on my belly that they left a mark. As I got older my hatred grew. As a teenager I was constantly dieting to the extent that at times I would not eat and even tried vomiting but never could quite handle that. I felt that if I were thinner then I would be more popular which would be the equivalent of being more happy. When I was 16, I had to have my jaw wired shut and I lost 30 pounds. The following year I had my first kiss, my first boyfriend, and finally attention from boys. OBVIOUSLY (in my mind) it was only because I was thinner. But I could not keep all the weight off and it slowly began to creep back on. Oh, if I could go back to my size 8 self and tell her a little bit of what I know now.
As a single adult my weight fluctuated. I tried every diet in the book, had some successes and some failures. But with each failure came more hatred and more disappointment
. I constantly compared myself to my two beautiful sisters and wondered why I was the one who could not be thin and pretty. As I looked for my future husband I constantly felt my body was repulsive, and society was always reaffirming what I already thought of myself. In my mid twenties I had a very close male friend who told me that if I were thinner he would totally date me. This crushed me and stayed with me for years...I will never forget the night he told me that and all the tears that followed. I had a lot of male friends, most of whom I had crushes on and dreamt that they would wake up one day and realize that they could love me in spite of my body. Don't get me wrong, I dated plenty, and had my share of boyfriends....but I never could quite love myself and always felt that if I were thinner then I would be prettier and they would love me more. Everyone always said, "You have to love yourself before anyone can love you". That statement left me hopeless if it were really true. Luckily, I don't believe it is.
 I met my husband when I was at my heaviest I've ever been and he loves me with all of his heart and was (and is) the greatest man I could have ever imagined. But even after marriage I hated my body. If I gained 5 pounds I was a failure, because everything throughout my life had taught me this. My mind was brainwashed to believe that beauty was only equivalent to thin. I could see the beauty in others, no matter the weight, but for me, each pound up or down on the scale directly impacted my beauty.
Now, two years into marriage I am working hard to change my view on my body. My body now is scarred with surgeries and tired from fighting cancer. It has stretch marks from having a baby and is still plenty chubby. But I am so exhausted of hating my body. I am tired of waiting to be thin to be happy with who I am. I want to be happy and accept who I am right at this minute. Do I want to be thinner? Sure. But I don't want to let everything that I eat, and every single pound on the scale define who I am and what I feel about myself. I want to be healthy for my daughter, beautiful for my husband, but I NEED to love myself, I MUST love myself to be happy. It is day to day process that I will probably always be working on but I am taking baby steps each day. I am grateful for a sweet husband who always makes me feel beautiful, and I honestly can say I am grateful for this body that God has given me. It has been through a lot already in my short life and I hope I can one day truly love it the way I know Heavenly Father would want me to.